Sugawara Koushi (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: * (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
beautymarker) wrote2024-05-01 04:49 pm
beautymarker) wrote2024-05-01 04:49 pm
OPEN POST
PSLs, meme thread continuations, random texts, whatever!
PSLs, meme thread continuations, random texts, whatever!
PSLs, meme thread continuations, random texts, whatever!
no subject
Yuki's probably overthinking. Kenzo says it's only sometimes, and it's not as though Suga seems set on becoming a musician or anything like that. But it's such a vitally important little bit of information that Yuki finds himself at a loss for words for a few moments.
Thankfully, Kenzo fills the silence, first with his own soft speech and then with the music he pulls up to show to Yuki. What happens next is somehow both utterly beautiful and torturously painful.
Suga sings, and it shatters Yuki's heart into a million pieces. It's not because he's amazing - no, he obviously doesn't have any training in the slightest, and while he sounds good his voice doesn't have a unique enough tone to capture Yuki's attention in and of itself. If he didn't know it was Suga, he would probably overlook the vocals entirely.
The instrumentation, on the other hand? It's gorgeous. Kenzo's so clearly gifted it shines through in every note. Somehow, he manages to take Suga's unpolished vocals and turn them into something that feels exquisite in its rawness, as though the singer is genuinely feeling the emotions they're describing.
And then there are the lyrics. At first it sounds like just another angsty anime song, but as Yuki listens to Suga say each line, he can feel his heart winding tighter and tighter inside his chest.
I can no longer return to the day we parted, he sings. The wounds from deep within won't disappear.
Oh, it hurts.
When the song ends, Yuki realizes there are tears on his face. He's gone silent, completely enraptured by what Kenzo's just shown him. ]
no subject
So why does this just feel like a confirmation of something Kenzo had no idea he already knew?]
Yuki-san... [Kenzo looks up at him from his seat, his gaze level and frank.] ... do you really play volleyball?
[In the room next door, Suga's just climbing out of bed.]
no subject
Yuki-san doesn't want visitors, she'd said. The boy had hesitated, then walked away without a word.
That was the last time he'd ever seen Mafuyu.
Kenzo's talking to him again; Yuki fixes him with a blank stare, still caught between the past and the present.
Do you really play volleyball?
It's such a direct question, spoken so honestly, that Yuki can't help but smile weakly. He shakes his head a little, before saying out loud what they both already know to be the truth. ]
I like your brother a lot, Kenzo.
no subject
Meanwhile, Suga takes in the whole scene from the doorway with just enough alarm to show in his too-wide eyes. How did - what are they - did Yuki just - what in the holy hell did he miss?? At least Kenzo doesn't seem at all upset, but why are Yuki's eyes wet?]
Hey guys... everything okay? [He doesn't want Kenzo to think he's angry so he keeps his voice neutral, even as his face still says everything with crystal clarity.
And to Suga's complete bemusement, Kenzo answers first.]
Uh-huh. We're talking about music.
[One eyebrow shoots up and Suga turns to Yuki, too chastened by the tears still clinging to his eyelashes to demand any explanations but unable to mask his shock.]
oh nooo SUUGAAAA kjdfsljsl;gj i love this so much aghhhhhh
How long has he been standing there? Did he hear everything? Panic flickers across Yuki's face; he's still too emotionally raw to even make an attempt at hiding it. He promised he wouldn't do anything to out Suga, whether to his friends or anyone else - even though he actually has no idea whether or not Kenzo knows his brother's into guys. Either way, he knows how bad this looks.
Thankfully Kenzo somehow manages to be the most level-headed of the three of them, and Yuki finds himself nodding in response even as he tries to blink away the tears blurring his vision. ]
- Yeah, [ he answers at last, doing his best to grin like he always does. Suga knows him too well for that, though; there's no masking the pain on his face. There's something else there too, though, something deeper, like a long-awaited day of sunshine after a deep, dark winter. ]
I didn't know you could sing.
they are truly meant to be
He didn't know -]
Oh - oh jeez - [Suga's stiff expression gives way to a sheepish grin and he rubs the back of his neck, suddenly not quite sure where to look.] - I mean, I've done it for Kenzo a few times but that hardly - did you play him one of those songs? [Kenzo nods, utterly unabashed, and Suga's left with even less idea of how to react to all this.
So what does Kenzo say to reassure him?]
It's okay, Koushi-nii. Me and Yuki are friends. [Though he does give Yuki a cautious look once the words are out of his mouth, seeking confirmation.]
RIGHT!! my heart!!! T_T <3
But Yuki can't get over it.
Me and Yuki are friends, Kenzo says, and Yuki's smile turns affectionate as he reaches out to ruffle the boy's hair gently. The lack of an honorific that time stands out - just a moment ago he'd still been Yuki-san. Kenzo really does consider him a friend, huh?
Not only that, he didn't make a big deal at all about Yuki essentially confessing his love for Suga. He's a good kid, and Yuki nods down at him, confirming the statement. ]
Kenzo's really good, [ he says, glossing over the Suga singing thing for now in favour of praising Kenzo, who more than deserves it - not just for his skill, but also his bravery in opening up to Yuki. ] I heard him playing and I couldn't help coming to listen.
no subject
As for Suga, he just gets more and more gobsmacked with every word his brother says. They're friends. Kenzo's not just speaking freely and sharing music with Yuki - he's already formed a bond, one he's so confident about that he'll be the first to announce it openly.]
Ah, yeah... I've done that plenty of times myself. [Now, at last, Suga allows himself to feel the indescribable joy that comes of knowing that his brother and the love of his life got along so well, so quickly. His whole face lights up with it and he beams at Yuki, then back at Kenzo.] I hate to break up the jam session, but have you eaten yet, Kenzo?
Uh-huh.
Alright, you go ahead and get back to it, then. I'm stealing this guy away now. Door closed? [Kenzo nods and slips on a pair of headphones, and Suga steps out of the doorway to let Yuki move past him into the hallway.
Once Kenzo's door is closed behind them, Suga throws his arms around Yuki and just holds him close, his breathing shaky with emotion.]
no subject
Getting to know Kenzo, even if only for a little while, has left Yuki feeling softer and more vulnerable than usual. The music was part of it, of course, but even without that he's pretty sure he would still be left in the same sort of headspace. Suga's family is important to him, especially Kenzo, whose silence and shyness now make much more sense to Yuki than they did just a day ago. He's so talented that it's no wonder he has a hard time connecting with people; he probably feels everything way too strongly, the same way Yuki does, and has a difficult time connecting with others about anything aside from music. Unlike Kenzo, Yuki has his natural charisma to help smooth the gap, and he can lie easier than breathing. Kenzo's much sweeter than he ever was, and that makes Yuki want to protect him.
As he steps into the hallway his thoughts are more on Kenzo than Suga, but that changes the instant those strong arms wrap around him and pull him tight against the setter's tall frame. He blinks in shock for a second before letting out a soft breath and bringing his own arms up and around Suga's shoulders, one broad palm resting gently against the back of the other boy's head. ]
Hey, [ he says quietly, bringing their foreheads together and trying to seek out Suga's gaze. ] You okay? Sorry for surprising you like that.
no subject
[There's a smile on Suga's lips and unshed tears shining in his eyes - he's a complete mess of emotions but absolutely wouldn't have it any other way.]
I don't know how - any of that happened, and I don't need to know. I'm just so, so happy you're here, with both of us. [The words that have hovered on the tip of Suga's tongue for so long still go unspoken, but he does his best to communicate them with a kiss that's all warmth and no heat: I love you I love you I love you I love you so much.]
Are you okay? You looked shaken up.
no subject
Suga --
[ He's cut off by the kiss, but god, what a kiss it is. Not only because he can hear Suga's soul singing to him, but also because they're literally right outside Kenzo's room, they could be caught at any second, they've barely had a chance to touch each other this whole weekend and now Suga can't seem to help himself only it's not lust he's feeling, it's love.
And Yuki feels the exact same way.
Are you okay?
He smiles sheepishly at that, glancing towards the door separating them from Kenzo and his seemingly limitless potential. ]
Yeah, I'm good. I just kinda...
[ Couldn't handle it.
He swallows, that old shadow of pain returning to his face. He hesitates, then reaches to intertwine their fingers, brushing his thumb over Suga's knuckles as he tries to figure out how to explain himself. ]
My - first boyfriend. He used to sing, sometimes.
[ This is the first time Yuki's really telling Suga about Mafuyu, at least in any detail, and it'll be obvious to the other boy that this is directly connected to those pained, frightened looks he gets sometimes when Suga manages to peel away the barbed wire he's wrapped around his heart. ]
...Not really sing. Just hum, mostly. When I heard you - it just - reminded me of him. Of what I thought my life was gonna be.
[ He doesn't like talking about this, but for some reason it just feels right. Suga deserves to know about Yuki's past, about the reasons he tried to push him away at first, about the feelings he's been fighting to keep hidden all this time. ]
no subject
After all, Yuki is his first boyfriend.
So while he can't understand the depth and breadth of Yuki's connection with said first boyfriend, Suga's heart still stirs with enough compassion to hold back any petty inclinations toward jealousy or insecurity. That's not what this is about.]
Breakfast can wait a bit longer... [He gestures back toward his room. It's fully Yuki's choice whether they push on with their morning or really dig into this topic at last.]
no subject
It would be easier to go have breakfast. Easier to smile and laugh everything off, pretend like it was just a silly moment, tell Suga that Kenzo's playing is really what made him tear up. Explain how they became fast friends thanks to their shared love of music, talk about how Yuki might be able to help Kenzo grow and open up more, listen to Suga gush about his adorable genius of a brother.
Easier, like all the other choices Yuki's made over the past few years. Easier to drink than talk, to take pills than go to therapy, to fuck some nameless groupie than spend a sleepless night wondering who Mafuyu might be with. Easier to escape and pretend he isn't slowly killing himself over this.
His lips press together, forming a thin line. Suga's hand is warm and soft in his own, the callouses rough yet smooth. Discomfort, repeated over and over and over, until the skin becomes numb to it. The same as learning guitar. ]
It's not a happy story, [ he says at last, eyes downcast. He'll let Suga decide, because it's easier that way, and Yuki is still a coward. ]
no subject
Maybe there's some middle ground they can reach, Suga decides. Whether it's out of selfishness, cowardice, or empathy, even he can't say.]
It'd be nice to keep this whole trip happy, wouldn't it? [It's Suga's turn to duck his head and seek out Yuki's gaze.] And when I said I had time to learn everything about you, I meant it. Not saying I just want to shut this away and ignore it or anything, but... you could maybe share it in pieces, over video chat. At times when you feel strong enough. You don't have to tear the whole dam down all at once.
[That feels fair to Suga, and he has confidence in his ability to be firm with Yuki now. He won't just let the topic fester indefinitely if Yuki decides that's what he'd prefer.
He really does love Yuki too much to let him take the easy way out, but that doesn't mean he can't show some mercy as well.]
SUGA U R SO GOOD 😭❤️
He finds Yuki's eyes and the older boy can't help but smile, lost once again in the depth of those copper hues. Suga's too good to him. Too good for him. Mafuyu was, too, though Yuki didn't know it at the time.
He's put Suga through hell this trip, hasn't he? The character flaws he was too scared to admit to have all shown themselves now: cowardice, manipulation, brittle vulnerability. Yet, for some reason, Suga's still here. Still trying to reassure him. Still willing to listen when Yuki feels like talking. ]
Why are you like this?
[ His voice is tight with emotion, his lips twisting into a weak smile. He leans in at last to kiss Suga once more, cautiously, as though attempting something he's never done before. Then, gently, he tugs at Suga's hand - in the direction of his bedroom. ]
I want to tell you, [ he whispers, scared and sad and hopeful all at once. ] If - if that's okay with you.
listen he's just got so much love, this boy has so much love in him, smacks suga's hood
He doesn't feel nearly as challenged by Yuki's behavior this weekend as Yuki seems to think he's been. If anything, Suga thinks that Yuki's much too hard on himself for lapses in judgment that barely challenge the norm for boys in his own age group. Should Yuki be more mature at his age? Maybe, but if Suga wanted to be dating a buttoned-up, ambitious college student on the fast track to salaryman hell, that's who he'd be dating.
What Suga wants is standing right in front of him. Surely that makes him lucky, not long-suffering or overly tolerant.
He nods at Yuki's choice, his lips still tingling from the intensity of that feather light kiss. With their hands still intertwined, he leads Yuki into his room and closes the door behind them, then lets go for just long enough to sit cross-legged on his bed and pat the mattress beside him.]
Go ahead.
god bless the sugamobile
Yuki follows the other boy's lead, looking almost meek for once as he slips into Suga's bedroom like a shadow, then sits down on the edge of the mattress next to him. He reaches out for Suga's hand perhaps a little too quickly, searching for something to tether him to the here and now even as he prepares to dive deep into the depths of his memory.
A moment passes. Then another. Then, taking a breath, Yuki starts. ]
My first boyfriend's name is Mafuyu.
[ He's barely said it out loud since then. It comes out brittle, like he's got something sharp on his tongue, between his teeth, something he doesn't know how to deal with. Suga doesn't need to know his name, probably, but it doesn't feel right to leave it out. ]
We met when we were little kids. We lived next to each other. I think... I'm pretty sure I loved him from the minute I saw him.
[ Sitting under that tree, keeping as quiet as possible so his dad wouldn't hit him anymore. ]
We started going out in middle school. We did everything together.
[ It's not enough words to describe the depth of their love, but Yuki can't talk about that right now. Not to Suga, or to anybody else. That's something he's locked away deep inside.
He squeezes Suga's hand, hesitating yet again. Pain makes his face tense, draws his eyebrows together. ]
We had a fight, one day. I was spending too much time on my music. He thought I didn't love him any more.
[ How could Yuki ever stop loving him? How could Mafuyu have thought that was possible? ]
I - got really upset. And I - I tried to --
[ His throat closes up; tears well at the edges of his eyes. He doesn't want Suga to hear this. He doesn't want Suga to know.
I did a really terrible thing, once. ]
no subject
But then they all spill out and drop into the gaping black void that opens in Suga's gut at the words I tried to -
Did Yuki hurt Mafuyu, or himself?
Which would be worse, really?
It's a wrinkle Suga never, ever considered and now he feels chilled all over at the very idea, but that just means he needs to know for sure.]
Tried to do what?
[This is the cruel double edge to Suga's gentle firmness - when not used in the service of pure comfort, it makes him utterly merciless.]
no subject
Behind the blackness of his eyelids, Yuki can still see all the details from that night: his guitar, thrown aside in anger. Empty beer cans littering the floor. The chair he'd used kicked away and lying on its side. The window hatch. The rope.
Mafuyu's face staring up at him in horror. ]
I tried to kill myself.
[ It comes out as a whisper, a barely-there confession. The hand that's holding onto Suga is trembling visibly. ]
Mafuyu found me.
[ Mafuyu saved me. ]
no subject
This is serious. Yuki's obviously troubled in ways that a positive relationship with a nice guy can't begin to help. Or so part of Suga's mind tells him, while the other insists that, no, the threat of losing someone who had been a cornerstone of his life for so long would lead any remotely sensitive person to drastic measures. There's no need to see a single catastrophic mistake in Yuki's past as some dire signpost pointing to a dark future.
Then, finally, the two merge into one utterly helpless realization: I have no idea how to handle this.
Tears spill from Suga's eyes and he cradles Yuki's hand against his chest, right over his heart.] I'm sorry... I - I wanted to say just the right thing to - to make this easier for you, but... [He's just too overwhelmed. All he can do is cling to the Yuki's hand with both of his and cry right along with him.]
no subject
Why did he tell Suga? Why is Suga crying? Why are they still sitting here, in Suga's room?
Why isn't Suga running away? ]
I'm sorry, [ he whispers, still not looking, not wanting to see the pain on Suga's face now that he knows just how desperately fucked up Yuki really is. He shouldn't be forcing him to deal with any of this. He shouldn't have said anything. Suga could have gone on happily without him.
But - fuck. ]
You don't have to say anything, [ he adds eventually, dimly aware of how warm Suga's grip is around his own ice-cold hands. ] It's not up to you to fix me, Suga.
[ That, more than anything, is what Yuki wants him to know. Needs him to know. ]
I haven't... tried again. Since then.
[ He can't lie and say I'm getting better, because he really isn't, but at least he hasn't felt the urge to go walking off that cliff again. Or rather, the few times he has, he never ended up doing anything about it.
There's a lengthy pause, before his lips shift into a small, nostalgic sort of smile. He lowers his hand from his eyes and looks over to where Suga's holding him tight, affection mingling with the sadness in his face. ]
My mom used to tell me I'm just like my dad. That he had, like... a tenuous connection to life. Not for any real reason, just... because. And no matter what anyone tried to do, they couldn't change that about us.
no subject
This might be Yuki's reality. Whether he acts on it or not, his emotional distance and fear of abandonment might be etched right into his heart. It would cast a new, very different light on their relationship - no one with even a shred of empathy would deepen their bond with a person like that if they didn't mean it with their entire heart and soul. Staying with Yuki means a new level of commitment.
Suga doesn't even hesitate.]
I love you. [Tears keep streaming down his face, even now that the sobbing has subsided.] I love you. I love you. I love you so much.
[He doesn't have to say this. Yuki made that very clear, and Suga wouldn't say it dishonestly anyway. He's just seeing the truth of those words more clearly than ever before, and they're a better representation of what he wants Yuki to know than any platitudes or grand promises like it's okay, I'll never leave you, I'm here.]
I love you, Yuki.
SUUUUUGAAAAAANMS KJFSDHKJSDHGKJHGH:KGJDSFHG:KHDJ
Oh.
Yuki feels time go still around them. All the sounds he could hear before - the birds, Kenzo, even the soft creaks of the old house around them - they all fade into nothing. The only thing he can hear is his own heart, thumping in his chest so hard he thinks his ribcage might crack.
I love you.
How many people have said that to him? Dozens, maybe more. They never meant it. What they meant was you're a great fuck. I want more dope. Thanks for letting me use you. The only person who said it pure and honest was Mafuyu, and Yuki never thought he'd hear it sound that way ever again.
But Suga loves him.
He opens his mouth to say something, but no words come out. His expression has gone completely open and vulnerable, eyes wide, his usual confident mask completely shattered in the wake of this simple sentiment.
For once, he wasn't the one to ask for this. He wasn't trying to con Suga into liking him, wasn't trying to manipulate him for his own greedy ends. Yuki's given Suga chance after chance to run far away from him, especially now that more of his own inner darkness has been revealed, yet Suga is still here by his side. ]
I --
[ is it okay, saying it? ]
I love you too, [ he whispers, his voice filled with the shock of a person who has only just realized the truth of what they're saying. ]
THIS IS WHY THEY NEVER SAID IT BEFORE OK THIS IS THE MOMENT
I meant what I said - I'm so happy you're in my life, and in Kenzo's now. You've already done so much. Please -
[Suga's voice breaks. His heart knows this isn't a fair thing to ask but his mouth just keeps talking.]
- we can still be friends if something goes wrong, I know I'll always want you in my life no matter what, so please... even if one day you feel like you have to cut me off and never talk to me again for some reason, just please don't leave like that. Please.
[Don't kill yourself. Too blunt to say aloud. Though maybe that's cowardly of Suga when Yuki had to say it just moments ago.]
YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He still blames himself for everything that happened. Honestly, he probably always will, no matter how hard people might try to make him think otherwise. The fact of the matter is that, if he hadn't climbed up on that chair that night, if he hadn't put that rope around his neck, none of this would have happened.
Please don't leave like that.
Ah. Mafuyu had said something like that too, hadn't he? After he'd pulled Yuki down, when he was cradling his limp body in shaking arms, tears dripping down his nose and onto Yuki's face. Please don't leave me.
Yuki won't let himself do that ever again. ]
I won't, [ he says, soft yet determined, his face settling into a solemn, serious expression. He leans in then, letting his forehead rest against Suga's, and fixes the other boy with a tender smile.
How the hell did he get so lucky? ]
You're stuck with me, Suga-kun.
[ For better or worse. ]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)